I’ve been noticeably gone from this blog over the past few months and there are a few reasons for that. One of the biggest is my own depression. My mental health has been suffering over the past few months and a part of that is because the days have been getting shorter in my hometown, as days are wont to do as seasons change and the year comes to an end.
Winter is nearly upon us in the northern hemisphere and for where I’m at in the world, that means significantly shorter days and long, dark nights. The sun will set around 4:30pm today, giving us about nine hours of light but most of that will be under an overcast sky. My depression thrives during this part of the year and is a big reason why I’ve been so noticeably absent from this blog. Writing is difficult when there are days when brushing my teeth or making a meal is an accomplishment.
And more than that, I’m still trying to figure out what I want to do with this blog. When I first started this project years ago, I had a clear vision of what I want to accomplish and now, I’m not too sure. There’s so much work to be done, that I will admit. But I’m just not sure the best ways for me to move forward with this project.
I’m really hoping that I can come back to this space soon. Writing, as difficult as it is most days, still gives me something to focus on and a reason to get out of bed. But for now, I’m going to continue to focus on other things and hopefully I’ll be back to this space by the beginning of 2018.
Hey y’all! So it’s been almost a month since I last posted and I wanted to write a quick update. Things are pretty okay for me, all things considered. Life for me have been hectic this month and I’m still trying to deal with my (failing) mental health. But I’m here and I’m starting the slow process of getting my life back together.
I’ve been doing a bunch of adulting this past week, resulting in a huge amount of anxiety. But as I’ve learned, my anxiety always does better if I just deal with the problem/thing immediately. It literally took me until I was in my early 20s to realize that addressing the source of my anxiety would actually make the thing go away and thus, my anxiety would go away as well. I come from a family of procrastinators so I’m not surprised it took me that long and I still try and not deal with issues immediately.
Years ago, I started this blog because I was angry. I was angry at all the injustice in the world and at all the oppression and hatred that we still deal with. And I was angry at my own ignorance. I wasn’t really sure where I wanted to go with this project but I knew that I wanted to learn, to be challenged, and to have my voice heard in some way. Writing somewhat anonymously over the years has allowed me that.
Since then, I’ve written hundreds of posts, read books and articles that expanded my understanding of the world, and watched movies that have challenged me. I’ve spent a lot of time writing, reflecting, and then writing some more. But I’m not the not the most consistent blogger and I’m marginally adequate at writing. I’ve made more than a few mistakes but there are many other things that I still stand behind. And I’m always trying to challenge myself and then bring that back to this blog in the hopes that maybe one other person can read this blog and be challenged in the same way I was.
So a couple years ago, I wrote a couple pieces for this blog about problematic faves – celebrities that many seem to adore and love but are problematic in different ways. My point with writing these posts wasn’t to be malicious or to really tear people down but instead, to really start the conversation on why we shouldn’t be putting people on pedestals and why we should hold people accountable.
People aren’t prefect – as a species, humans are messy and tend to make a whole lot of mistakes. I know that I’ve made so many mistakes that would qualify as a problematic person and I don’t deny that I’m still not making mistakes. But I’m trying to be better and I’m trying to learn more in order to make less mistakes in the future.
Things are hectic and overwhelming now on so many different levels – trying to just keep up with what’s coming out of the White House and from 45’s administration on a regular basis is difficult most days. Add in everything else, including trying to survive, just getting out of bed most days can be hard. But it’s so important that we, especially and particularly we as white people, do get out of bed and work against white supremacy and fight for justice and equity.
Living in the Pacific Northwest as a white person has been interesting to say the least. We have so many quirks here (like wearing socks and sandals) but one of my least favorite things is how white people like myself deal with race. I grew up here and my family never really talked about race – living in an overwhelmingly white community and having mostly white friends meant that race was never something I had to really think about too much. The only times race and racism really came up in my family was in the context of my dad’s extended family. He was born and raised in the deep South but considered himself a “good” white person and was a bit of an outlier from the rest of his family.
I wrote on Monday that I haven’t been able to stop reading what’s been going and honestly, that hasn’t changed. There’s still so much that’s going on and so much that’s come out just in the last couple days. I wanted to share more articles and videos to really continue putting everything in context but to also just show how horrifying things are right now.
Over the weekend, I was glued to the screen to my phone, watching the events violently unfold in Charlottesville, Virginia and trying to understand both what’s happening in real time and the context for it all. It’s difficult for so many reasons to really keep up and understand what’s been going on but here’s a brief timeline of what happened on Friday and Saturday in Charlottesville.
I have a lot of feelings about Doctor Who – some good, some bad. This show was incredibly important to me for a couple years and I even spent a significant amount of time knitting the iconic scarf that the fourth Doctor wore. I watched and talked about the show with friends and I’d often marathon it on the weekends. This show was a big part of my life.
I did start to lose interest in the show after a few years of Steven Moffat’s reign as showrunner. There are a few reasons to this (him recently gaslighting some fans doesn’t help) but the biggest is definitely because it just became a different show. It wasn’t the quirky, weird show with sentimental moments that I had grown to love. It became more about the shock factor and complicated storylines with plot holes. Death started to mean nothing because characters would die and then come back a few episodes later.
Despite all of that and despite the fact that this news isn’t too new, I am so excited that the 13th doctor is going to be a woman! Jodie Whittaker will take up the role when the Doctor regenerates this upcoming Christmas Special and while I haven’t seen any of her work, I’m curious to see what she does with the role and where Chris Chibnall, the new showrunner, takes the show.
I have spent most of my life desperately trying to take up less space. I’ve stayed quiet, gone to public spaces during times they’d have the least amount of people, worn dull colors. My entire life goal is to draw the least amount of attention to myself in an attempt to have people forget I exist. There have been more than a few times in which I’ve actually had some success in that department – I’ve scared a few folks while we were around camp fires because I moved and they didn’t notice at first and I’ve regularly surprised people because they didn’t hear me enter a room. On more than one occasion, people have forgotten that they were giving me a ride home. That’s right – while in the same car, people have forgotten about me.
I strive towards this invisibility because I know just how little space I am to occupy in public as a fat person. I aim for anonymity in so many spaces because I know what happens when I am visible in any way. I know that being visible online as a woman, as a fat person, as a queer person, as anything that is labeled as ‘other’ brings a litany of hate and trolling.