** In this post, I discuss my current depression and anxiety.
[Images of my tweets that read: “Growing up, my dad and I had similar political views and mostly got along. Then I went to college and realized how fucked up my dad’s views are. Since moving back and being home for a month plus, we’ve gotten in so many fights. Each and every time he usually tells me that I’m an idiot. And that I don’t have the life experiences to tell him what’s problematic. (Esp when it comes to racism.) Plus he thinks that I should be happy with any media coverage of the LGBT (esp the T part) community, even if it’s hella problematic. Basically being home has had such a negative impact on my mental health. My parents (dad) treat my opinions like shit and dismiss me]
Being home had turned into a lot more trouble than I thought it would. It’s been a little over a month since I graduated and I’m no where closer to getting a job. My dad and I are almost always bickering about issues and if we aren’t, he usually says something problematic and in order to not cause a scene, I have to keep my mouth shut.
Through these experiences, I’ve also thought about the idea of removing toxic people from your life. In many cases, removing toxic people and experiences is beneficial and a necessity. However, in this case (where the problem lies with my parents), how do I balance the problematic nature of my parents’ actions with my current situation? I depend on my parents for many things, especially since I don’t have a job and I still need a few more years of schooling.
My depression and anxiety have been major issues as well and without a job, I’m finding it incredibly difficult to get out of bed in the morning. Lately, just getting dressed/clean and out of the house is a chore. I’ve been putting off finding a job, writing posts, reading, really doing anything productive because I currently don’t feel like I’m worth it. Fighting with my parents has only made my issues even worse.
I know that I need to go get help and that therapy could help with the issues I’m facing. But with the experiences I’ve had since being home, I have zero trust that therapy will be anything but stressful. Sometimes I have really good days. Sometimes I have really bad days. Most of the time, I feel indifferent about life and almost all the time, I question whether or not moving home was a good decision.
Ultimately, I think it’s important to call out problematic things but when doing so starts to erode your mental health, it’s important to make sure you are okay. I’m sure one day I’ll be able to get my parents on the right direction and I’m sure one day I’ll have my life together. But until those days come, I’m going to do what I can to make sure I survive.