Last May, I graduated college and like some other college kids around the US, I moved home and still live with my parents. The decision to move home was in part because after four years (and watching my little sister grow up), I missed my family and hometown. It was also in part because my dad isn’t in the best health so I wanted to be able to spend more time with him. I wasn’t sure what I was going to do with my new found freedom from school. I didn’t have any job offers or even any leads so after a couple weeks, my dad offered a summer position for me at his company. That lasted for a couple months and I took some inconsistent pet sitting during that as well. But with no further job opportunities (other than a few occasional times of pet sitting), I decided to go back to school and do a certificate program at the local community college, which I quickly realized was not going to be a good fit.
Now, I’m unemployed with no school to go back to. Every day for the past few weeks has felt busy but not productive. I’m constantly doing chores for my parents like cleaning or walking the dog; consistently doing things but not accomplishing anything. Plus, the more strained my relationship with my dad gets, the more I regret moving home.
What’s even better is having questions of my future constantly thrown at me from family and friends. To be honest, I don’t know what I’m going to do and the societal pressure to be constantly productive is overwhelming. With my depression and anxiety, productivity comes and goes. Some days I’m able to get a lot done – I go on long walks, I write a lot, I get some reading done, I clean, etc. During those days, I feel productive and validated. But that doesn’t happen all the time – in fact, it happens very rarely. Most days, I’m barely able to do the minimum to get through and I have no motivation to start things.
Additionally, the more time I spend at home, the more I feel like I’m spiraling down my own rabbit hole of depression and anxiety. I feel trapped in this weird world where I feel like the most formative years I’ve had never actually happened. I don’t feel good enough here, I don’t feel like I have anything going for me. I don’t know what I’m doing with my life and I don’t really have a focus. I want to feel less hollow