Friendships.

Spring has officially come and this time of the year always makes me reflect about different things. Lately, I’ve been thinking about friendship and how much I miss some of my friends and past experiences. I have very few close friends and that’s been the case for most of my life. A part of this is because a lot of my friends are scattered around the world, leaving me with not many in my current location and another is that I’m not good at interacting with people – I’m a shy and introverted person with depression and anxiety. Leaving the house is hard sometimes and making new friends is even more difficult if you’re regularly holed up in your room.

A part of all this includes how a couple weeks ago in therapy, my therapist talked about little traumas – something that Sara Staggs describes as:

Then there is any other type of event which exceeds our capacity to cope, and can be stored as trauma. Examples can include divorce, job loss, an abrupt move, really anything that overwhelms us.

One of the little traumas I experienced repeatedly growing up was hearing from my parents that I was never going to have friends with my terrible attitude. Looking back on my teenage years, that same terrible attitude was a mix of puberty, being a teenager, and mostly an untreated case of depression and anxiety.  But repeatedly hearing that I’d never have friends really impacted my life in ways that I never fully realized until now but definitely unconsciously internalized.

I’m still struggling with unraveling this little trauma from my childhood – something I suspect will take a while. And I’m also attempting to deal with the sadness that comes with remembering the good times I had with my friends but feel like I can no longer have. That sadness comes from missing my friends and not being able to make new memories with them.

Hopefully one day I’ll have my life figured out and will be able to make many more amazing memories. But until then, I’ll be here untangling many of my little traumas, sorting through my mental health, and reminiscing about the good times.

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