There are so many things that depression and anxiety has changed about my life and it took years for me to fully realize this. I’ve lost friends, missed out on parties and events, spent most of my time watching shows than in the real world. Some of my habits have stemmed from anxiety while depression drains any interest I might have in something.
But one of the things I’ve lost is my own sense of self – more than anything, I just feel empty. I don’t know who I am really and where I should go in life and it constantly feels like everyone else knows what they’re doing. And in a culture of being busy and one where work seems to tie too closely with work, I just feel weird and shameful for the fact that right now I’m actually doing something I love?
My life feels like a weird venn diagram where there’s barely anything that I love and excel at that also happens to be deemed acceptable and productive by our capitalistic society. And dealing with social anxiety severely narrows down my potential next job – consistently dealing with people for 8+ hours a day for at least five days a week is not something I could deal with. I would literally spend most of any job involving a high amount of people interaction crying in the bathroom.
There are constants in my life that do help me at least partially define who I am and privileges that afford me this time to really take off from the “real world”. But I’m also ready for the day where I don’t feel like my depression and anxiety has robbed me of myself or my life. I’m ready for the day where I can stop comparing myself to others, to really truly feel comfortable not only in my own skin but also where I am in life.