Last Night.

Last night didn’t feel real while it was happening. It felt like some weird collective nightmare and maybe if I went to bed, I would wake up to different results. But I didn’t. It finally felt real when my mom walked out of her room crying because I’ve hardly ever seen her cry. It felt real when I read all my friends’ emotional responses to everything that’s happened and heard that my best friend was already starting to be harassed.

The next president of the United States is one that has built his empire on discrimination and debt and built his campaign on hatred, violence, and lies. He’s actively denied housing to black Americans, sexually assaulted dozens of women, mocked and jeered at those who are different from him. He picked a running mate, a man who is now going to be vice president, who actively supports conversion therapy for LGBT youth. Knowing that the first black President has to pass the White House over to a man endorsed by the KKK is a heartbreaking moment in a sea of emotion.

I keep underestimating the full force of racism, misogyny, xenophobia, classism, and more that exist in this country. It’s easy and comfortable to live in a bubble where none of that exists but it’s only because of my privilege and at the expense of my friends that I’m able to do that. And I should not live in that bubble.

I don’t really know what to do next. A part of me just wants to cry until I can’t anymore and remain curled up in my bed. Because I’m scared. As a queer fat woman, I’m scared for myself. But I’m also incredibly scared for my friends who are brown or black or Native. I’m scared for my fellow LGBT folks and worried for all the amazing women in my life. I’m scared for my undocumented friends and their families.

But it’s not enough to just be scared and emotional. It feels dramatic and way too late but there’s too much at stake with a Trump presidency and Republican controlled government. Accessible and affordable healthcare, reproductive health, immigration, and so much more is all on the line and will have a tremendous impact on millions of people for a long time.

I don’t have any answers as to what to do right now but if there’s anyone out that needs someone to talk to or a funny story, let me know. I know it’s not much and it won’t be the only thing I do but I’m here if anyone needs anything.