Why I still write.
Years ago, I started this blog because I was angry. I was angry at all the injustice in the world and at all the oppression and hatred that we still deal with. And I was angry at my own ignorance. I wasn’t really sure where I wanted to go with this project but I knew that I wanted to learn, to be challenged, and to have my voice heard in some way. Writing somewhat anonymously over the years has allowed me that.
Since then, I’ve written hundreds of posts, read books and articles that expanded my understanding of the world, and watched movies that have challenged me. I’ve spent a lot of time writing, reflecting, and then writing some more. But I’m not the not the most consistent blogger and I’m marginally adequate at writing. I’ve made more than a few mistakes but there are many other things that I still stand behind. And I’m always trying to challenge myself and then bring that back to this blog in the hopes that maybe one other person can read this blog and be challenged in the same way I was.
Even with all that, I’m always surprised when this blog gets any sort of traffic and even more surprised (and also slightly terrified) when it gets more traffic than usual. I would often daydream of what this blog could become when I started it but I honestly never really expected anyone would actually read what I was writing. Existing on the internet in the way that I do can often feel like I’m shouting into an eternal void and it’s always surprising if I hear someone occasionally shout back.
It’s been years now and honestly, I still don’t really know what I’m doing with all this. I spend an unhealthy amount of time dwelling on my crippling self-doubt and reading mean comments on the internet. This project isn’t particularly visible or well known but I still get some traffic and a couple comments here and there. All of this really lead me to thinking about why I want to continue to devote time, energy, and resources to this project.
And honestly, I keep coming back to all this, even as inconsistently as I do, because I love doing it. I’m not great at it or anything but doing this kind of stuff really grounds me in my own values and understanding of the world. Writing about all these things really helps me to work through complicated issues and helps me better understand who I am in this world. I’ve always been a bit better with the written word than I have with speaking to others face to face and this project has continued to be a space where I can do that on my own terms.
I write all this because I want, in some way, to be transparent in my own struggles. Much of this is rooting in that same self-doubt I’ve mentioned and the paralyzing effects of the impostor syndrome. I’m not great at much but I really appreciate having a space to learn and grow.