The New Year.

Is it cliche to say that with this new year, I hope to be a new me? Probably. It seems more cliche writing it down.

I’ve never been one for huge, drunken New Years Eve parties and I’ve had exactly one midnight kiss. I was also never one to really keep the few resolutions I made and as I grew up, I realized that you can resolve to change things in your life at any point in the year. Why wait to start on January 1st?

A few weeks ago, I had a severe panic attack. When I felt better, I immediately called my doctor’s office to set up an appointment for getting on anti-depressants. I didn’t want to continue feeling bad. I hate my anxiety and depression and they’ve controlled my life for more than a decade. Because it was so close to the new year, it was then that I decided that 2019 was the year I was going to at least try to get my life and mental health together.

And for the last few weeks, I’ve felt a little better. I’m starting to feel like the person I once was and the person I actually want to be. I finished three books I’ve been casually reading for way too long and read another four, all within a few weeks. I started making things again, just for fun. I’ve gone on long walks and increased my average steps per day. I started listening to more podcasts and writing more on a different project. I no longer want to spend all day in bed.

Things aren’t perfect and I know I still have a long way to go. I’ve just started my journey and I’m actually hopeful for my life this year. I have, in the past, felt this same hope that the new year will be different but this is the first time that things feel different.

As I’ve been reflecting on what I want my life to be like, I’ve also spent some time thinking about this blog. Over the past couple of years, it’s taken a back seat to my own mental health, family problems, and other issues. I started ContagiousQueer in college when I was angry and felt unheard. Since then, I’ve grown a whole lot but I’ve also lost that part of me that was so angry at the injustice in the world.

There are so many reasons/excuses for this change. Years of trauma have numbed me to the world and most of my emotions. Privilege has rendered me blissfully ignorant and cozy. Mental illness has drained all of my energy and I’ve spent so much of my time desperately trying to survive. But I don’t want to be someone who ignores the injustice and pain in the world anymore. I want that anger at injustice back because I want the world to be different.

All of this is to say that I hope 2019 will be better and will bring justice, love, and peace. I’m hopeful that this year will be better for me and I hope things are better for the world as well. I also hope to return to writing more and being angrier about oppression and injustice.