Understanding this weekend.

Over the weekend, I was glued to the screen to my phone, watching the events violently unfold in Charlottesville, Virginia and trying to understand both what’s happening in real time and the context for it all. It’s difficult for so many reasons to really keep up and understand what’s been going on but here’s a brief timeline of what happened on Friday and Saturday in Charlottesville.

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The New Doctor.

I have a lot of feelings about Doctor Who – some good, some bad. This show was incredibly important to me for a couple years and I even spent a significant amount of time knitting the iconic scarf that the fourth Doctor wore. I watched and talked about the show with friends and I’d often marathon it on the weekends. This show was a big part of my life.

I did start to lose interest in the show after a few years of Steven Moffat’s reign as showrunner. There are a few reasons to this (him recently gaslighting some fans doesn’t help) but the biggest is definitely because it just became a different show. It wasn’t the quirky, weird show with sentimental moments that I had grown to love. It became more about the shock factor and complicated storylines with plot holes. Death started to mean nothing because characters would die and then come back a few episodes later.

Despite all of that and despite the fact that this news isn’t too new, I am so excited that the 13th doctor is going to be a woman! Jodie Whittaker will take up the role when the Doctor regenerates this upcoming Christmas Special and while I haven’t seen any of her work, I’m curious to see what she does with the role and where Chris Chibnall, the new showrunner, takes the show.

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Taking up less space.

I have spent most of my life desperately trying to take up less space. I’ve stayed quiet, gone to public spaces during times they’d have the least amount of people, worn dull colors. My entire life goal is to draw the least amount of attention to myself in an attempt to have people forget I exist. There have been more than a few times in which I’ve actually had some success in that department – I’ve scared a few folks while we were around camp fires because I moved and they didn’t notice at first and I’ve regularly surprised people because they didn’t hear me enter a room. On more than one occasion, people have forgotten that they were giving me a ride home. That’s right – while in the same car, people have forgotten about me.

I strive towards this invisibility because I know just how little space I am to occupy in public as a fat person. I aim for anonymity in so many spaces because I know what happens when I am visible in any way. I know that being visible online as a woman, as a fat person, as a queer person, as anything that is labeled as ‘other’ brings a litany of hate and trolling.

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Rabbits Podcast.

The newest production from the teams behind Tanis and The Black Tapes finished their first season last week with a shocking twist. This show, titled Rabbits, is by far the best produced and written podcasts from the Public Radio Alliance and its sister network, Pacific Northwest Stories. Rabbits is, at the heart of it, about one person’s attempt to find their missing friend.

Carly Parker, the host of the show, usually opens each episode by telling us why she started the podcast. Her friend, Yumiko, went missing while playing a mysterious and rather ancient game, often referred to in hushed tones as ‘Rabbits’. It’s during Parker’s search for her friend that she discovers just how complex and potentially life changing that the game just might be. And it’s during her search that she learns just how potentially fatal the game could be as well.

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Pride.

With Pride month officially done, I can’t help but think about where Pride has been, where it is now, and where it’s going. There’s no formal date for Pride but many cities typically celebrate during the last few weekends of June to (mostly) coincide with the anniversary of the Stonewall Inn Riots. There always seems to be some sort of Pride event in the world during the weekends leading up to July and a few that happen during the first couple weekends of the month as well.

I always feel like a bad queer person because of this but I’ve actually only been to Pride weekend once. It was years ago and even then, I only stayed during the day and I was volunteering the entire time. I think that Pride can be this amazing celebration of the LGBTQ+ community but as an introverted person with anxiety and depression, being in large crowds for any reason and any amount of time is stressful and overwhelming.

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13th Amendment and the Prison Industrial Complex

Neither slavery nor involuntary servitude, except as a punishment for crime whereof the party shall have been duly convicted, shall exist within the United States, or any place subject to their jurisdiction.

13th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution, Section 1

Over the past couple of years, there have been many conversations and projects that center mass incarceration and the thirteenth amendment of the United States Constitution. There’s Michelle Alexander’s book The New Jim Crow and Ava DuVernay’s documentary 13th to name just a couple. Celebrities like Matt McGorry and John Legend have helped to start conversations about these issues and support organizers that work to support incarcerated folks and change policy.

I was always taught that slavery ended with the end of the Civil War, with Lincoln’s Emancipation Proclamation, and the ratification of the thirteenth amendment. And I’m willing to bet that I’m not the only one, as schooling here in the US generally tends to not provide a full context and understanding of history. This subject in school was always a whitewashed overview, just the bland highlights of a complicated and deeply contextual history.

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mental health [revisited]

For the longest time, I had hoped that my depression and anxiety would go away with time. There were always obstacles – school, work, friend drama. Something always seemed to come up to make me anxious and when I wasn’t anxious, I was usually depressed. At the very least, I thought that once I finished school, my anxiety would dissipate. But it turns out that after graduation, I found new things to obsess and be anxious over.

It took me until I was about 17 years old to realize that something was probably wrong with me. And it took me even longer to put words and labels to the way I was feeling. My childhood wasn’t terrible but it definitely wasn’t conducive to someone struggling with depression and anxiety and the societal stigma that exists around mental illness made it hard for me to find outside help. My teenage angst was heightened by both puberty and the ways depression manifests in teenagers and frequently put me at odds with my parents.

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Genealogy

Over the past few weeks, I’ve been digging into part of my family history – something that I’ve been meaning to do for years but never really had the time. I’ve always loved learning more about my own family and hearing the stories of others doing the same. The story of the House on Loon Lake is one of my favorite episodes from This American Life and I’m really excited to hear more from the podcast Family Ghosts.

I grew up on the opposite side of the country from the rest of my mother’s family and the trips back to visit were few and far between. Those trips, much to my own disappointment, slowly stopped over time as more family moved out west and grandparents died. It was always hard and really expensive traveling thousands of miles with two kids so I don’t fault my parents for not going back as much as I would have loved to.

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Gilmore Girls: A Year in the Life.

I wrote a few months ago about my excitement and general love for Gilmore Girls. The original series was a part of my childhood, as I’d always watch reruns on ABC Family with my mom and sister. It taught me the importance of mother daughter relationships, whether it was with your own mother or a chosen one. I learned how friendships between girls shouldn’t be torn apart because of ambition or boys and the necessary addition of coffee to any diet. This show has its flaws, that I will freely admit. There were jealous boyfriends with fragile masculinities, a few too many subtle gay jokes, characters will flaws and insecurities.

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